McFee's Musings

June 18, 2012

SECRETS

Filed under: Poet's Pot Pouri — dwightmcfee @ 12:36 am

Secrets can be the best of times and the worst of times. Secrets are intimacy. Secrets are thrilling. Secrets are generous. Secrets can be deadly.

Our secret, Cayle and Dwight. Keeping Cancer Secret.

On the stage as I held Cayle in To Distraction where she is killed in a car accident. I see the audience tearing and they don’t know, only feel the energy from us both, maybe. No one knows screams my brain with the need to holler out the truth! And yet at the same time my heart fills with intimacy as we ALL, knowing or unknowing, come to terms with the FEELINGS of loss and tragedy. Art and life, life and art. To finish a performance with my mate in love and death and art and life paradoxically leaves us in awe at the magnificence and sorrow of being alive.

In mid October, a week into shooting Back Down The Road, Cayle calls from set somewhat in a panic, ( the shoot had been pushed a month and Cayle was pretty thin, people where worried) telling me that physicals were going to be tomorrow. We plotted all night how to bribe, cajole and hoodwink the physician. Cayle had a Trenckoff catheter to drain the fluids that she expertly disguised. We showed up the next morning full of trepidation. All day. But it didn’t happen. He didn’t come. Sometimes secrets are generous!

And then the secret is out. We have to go to palliative care. We can’t do it anymore. We lay in each other’s arms all weekend, hold hands and seek visceral contact with kisses of kindness, kisses of fear, kisses of closeness that only we know. A different kind of secret. Inevitability.

1 Comment »

  1. Heartbreaking!

    Comment by Kirsten Bishopric — June 19, 2012 @ 12:56 am | Reply


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